Catharsis
by AndWingardiumLeviosa
Summary: AU: Matt and Mello became friends while working as partners on a project together in 8th grade. Now, 5 years later, Matt sets out to see if the nineteen year old Mello's feelings are the same as his own. Rated M for a part in the story that has yet to come; will most likely become a twoshot.


My eyes find their way to him, like they always do. They roam over the contours of his body, tinted orange by the goggles that shield my eyes from the fluorescent lighting. He seems to feel my stare because he glances to me, his sharp blue eyes burning their heat into my entire being. My head stays in its slanted position towards the screen of my PSP but my eyes watch the blond man that I've grown to adore.

_Mello._

Oh, Mello. My heart aches for him, yet I stay quiet. I just play my game and don't speak a word. Not that anyone would listen anyway. I'm just the weird gamer, Matt, that no one likes and that no one talks to. That's all I am to these strangers and that's all I will ever be to them.

As my chest continues to ache and my fingers continue to press the familiar buttons of my gaming system, my mind, again, wanders to Mello. Beautiful, talented Mello. I was younger when my heart first started to long for him, around thirteen years old, I believe. The blond and I had been paired up for a social studies project. We were to create a powerpoint presentation on a famous inventor.

I had always liked the subject of inventors and was prepared to do most of the work, which is what usually happened when we were told to work in partners or a group. I would create the presentation entirely on my own and the other member or members of my group would be the ones to present it.

Before this time, I had never really taken a notice to Mello. I was content to be perfectly oblivious to those who were around me, for I knew that I was not liked by them and that I should never hope to be.

When our teacher told us to converse with our partners and to decide on an inventor to do the presentation on, I found that Mello had retrieved a purple, pocket sized planner from his bag and was writing in times for when he and I would work on the project. I had then carefully pulled a chair up beside his desk, awaiting his acknowledgement; I was never one to initiate contact.

As the slim, long fingers of his left hand finished writing in his planner, his eyes met mine for the first time. Their intensity left me breathless and intimidated. He spoke to me in a deep voice, one that I hadn't expected to come from him. He had me examine the times he designated for our working and asked for my approval of them. I saw things written in most of the spots the planner provided. Things like "yoga" and "gymnastics practice- 7:00 A.M". Unlike Mello, I had no obligations that I had to fulfill. I remember feeling very unaccomplished as I compared myself to him. All I really ever did was game.

I told him that the times were fine and I boldly suggested that we work in the library. To my surprise, he nodded his approval and said he had been thinking the same and that, this way, we could research our inventor with the computers the library provided and also with the help of perhaps a biography or two.

I was quite captivated by the way he spoke to me, he was obviously intelligent. But what I found to be the most surprising was that he seemed to speak to me in a way that made me feel acknowledged and important. I had never felt that way before. I was greatly intrigued by his ability to invoke such feelings from within myself.

He and I held a pretty intelligent conversation concerning different inventors and their contributions to society. In the end, we decided to do the project on Johannes Gutenberg. We both believed the creation of moveable type was most probably the best invention and contributed the most to mankind. He and I then talked a bit more about books and learned we both adored the Chronicles of Narnia series which then led to an intense debate on who the most intelligent character was.

And while still in the midst of our heated debate, the bell signaling the end of class rang. We both took our time to pack up our belongings, never halting our discussion. We then walked, side by side, down the hallway, continuing our debate until we reached my dorm room. Mello had then bid me a pleasant and friendly farewell before walking away.

My heart was beating fast and a soft warmth flooded over me and into my heart.

That's when I knew I had fallen.

Mello and I worked so well together. We understood what the other had in mind without having to actually speak it. We also both understood that sometimes our minds were moving too fast for our mouths to keep up and that we both felt a bit embarrassed when we had amazing ideas, only to have our mouths stutter over the words, therefore making us sound of a lesser intelligence than we actually were.

He and I spent two weeks working on our presentation and I can honestly say that those were the best two weeks of my life.

When it came time to present, we worked together to speak about our inventor, helping the other when the words became jumbled and unorganized within our mouths. We were applauded after the fifteen minutes of our presenting and sat back down in the 'audience', side by side, where we smiled at one another, the happiness so apparent in our eyes. We were so proud.

And then it ended.

Just like that. My paradise, my heaven, was over. The next day in class, our eyes didn't meet and the smile he had taken to greeting me with during our times of collaboration, was no longer directed towards me.

I felt alone, even more so than I had before working with Mello. And that was a feat that I had always hoped I would never accomplish. In the time that I had to assess this situation, I came up with one very plausible reason as to why we simply stopped talking.

In the two weeks that I had spent with Mello, I found that we were quite similar in the emotional aspect of things. We were awkward when it came to sudden changes in our lives when it was based upon emotions. We both reacted in the same way: We distanced ourselves from the problem, instead of trying to solve it. He and I were both more academically inclined, we could solve equations and scientific problems with ease. Yet, when it came to emotions, we were clueless.

It's taken me four years to work everything out into something that I can understand and therefore explain.

When Mello and I no longer had a reason to work together, we were left with emotions that created a metaphorical barrier between us. Before, we had spent time together for the sake of our presentation, to accomplish an academic goal. When the goal was attained, we were left with emotions that we both felt and could no longer suppress. Our minds were not occupied by thoughts of our presentation, but instead, were filled with thoughts of each other.

But I theorize that those might have just been my thoughts and how I felt and still feel. And maybe, I've actually spent five years on wearing myself away with wishful thinking.

But today is the day, the day that I pursue Mello's opinion.

* * *

_A/N:_ This is currently on sort of a hiatus. (You are probably murdering me in your mind right now because of that cliffhanger.) I'm just unsure of how I will approach the next part. I plan to have Matt explain a dream that has given him that final push to finally confront Mello after four years of being in little contact and after one year of being completely separated from the other. I want his explanation of the dream to be absolutely perfect so I'll have to take my time on this. I hope that you enjoyed reading and as for the title, catharsis is the process of releasing pent-up emotions. ^_^

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or its characters.**


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